The Weight of 'At Least': Why These Words Can Hurt More Than Help

I lost count of how many times, well-intentioned people used the phrase “at least” with us after we miscarried and throughout our fertility treatments. At least you know you can get pregnant. At least you can try again. At least you have each other. Each time, those words cut a little deeper. They were meant to offer comfort, but instead, they invalidated the pain we were experiencing.

Rationally, I knew these comments weren’t meant to be hurtful. They often came from a place of wanting to offer hope, to find a silver lining in our heartbreak. But here’s the thing. False hope is something that so many of us struggling with infertility know all too well. Sometimes, the most supportive thing someone can say is simply, “That’s really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

This experience isn’t just limited to fertility struggles. Those of us who are childless not by choice hear at least statements all the time. At least you get to sleep in. At least you can travel whenever you want. At least you don’t have to deal with tantrums or college tuition. These comments, often said with a smile or a laugh, fail to acknowledge the grief and loss that comes with ending a fertility journey without a baby. They can feel like a dismissal of the deep ache of unfulfilled dreams.

The truth is, we don’t need silver linings. We don’t need to be reminded of the supposed perks of a life we never chose. What we need is to feel seen, heard, and validated. It’s okay to acknowledge that our path is different, and that it’s not always easy. It’s okay to sit with us in our sadness without trying to fix it. And it’s okay to say, “I know this isn’t what you wanted, and I’m here for you.”

So if you’ve ever felt the sting of an at least comment, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, your grief is real, and your journey—no matter how different it looks from what you once imagined—is still worthy of acknowledgment and support.

Can you relate? Let’s start a conversation in the comments. What’s something someone has said to you that felt invalidating, even if it was meant to be helpful?