“You Wouldn’t Understand, You Don’t Have Kids.” Why This Comment Hurts — And What You Might Be Overlooking

There’s a phrase many of us who are childless not by choice have heard more than once. It often slips out casually, without malice, but it lands like a punch to the gut:

“You wouldn’t understand — you don’t have kids.”

Oof. Those six words can sting more than you might imagine. They can trigger grief, shame, isolation, and the deep pain of being excluded from a role we so desperately wanted. But they also reveal a cultural blind spot — one that says unless you’re a parent, you couldn’t possibly have anything valuable to contribute to conversations about children, family, or support.

Let me gently challenge that idea.

We All Have Wisdom to Share

The truth is, not having children doesn’t mean we exist in some alternate, clueless universe. In fact, many childless people and couples are deeply connected to the lives of children in meaningful ways — through their work, their community, their extended families, or close friendships.

Some of us are teachers, social workers, counselors, coaches, volunteers, godparents, aunties and uncles, neighbors, or simply loving adult figures in a child’s life. We listen, we support, we show up — often without the recognition that “real” parents get.

We may not know what it’s like to be woken up five times a night or to juggle daycare pickups and sick days, but we do know what it’s like to pour love, energy, and care into a child. And more importantly — we know what it’s like to hold space for someone who’s overwhelmed, exhausted, or unsure.

Childless Not By Choice — But Still Deserving of Respect

For many of us, this life wasn’t a choice. We spent years trying, grieving, hoping, and eventually making the gut-wrenching decision to let go of the dream of parenthood. That journey — painful as it was — has shaped us. We’ve had to develop enormous empathy, resilience, and self-awareness along the way. So when we offer insight, advice, or simply a listening ear, it doesn’t come from judgment. It comes from lived experience — just a different kind.

When someone says, “You wouldn’t understand,” what we often hear is, “You don’t matter in this conversation.” But we do. And we want to. So please, try to catch yourself before using that phrase.

Ask yourself:

• Is this truly something someone without kids couldn’t understand?

• Could this person offer a fresh perspective?

• Am I unintentionally shutting someone out who wants to support me?

  
  

I'm Here For You — If You Let Me Be

Let’s be honest: parenting is hard. Community helps. And you might be surprised by the wisdom, compassion, or even creative ideas your childless friends can offer — when you let them.

So next time you’re venting about your toddler’s tantrums, your teen’s mood swings, or your fear of “messing it all up” — we’re here. Not to compete or compare, but to stand beside you.

Because being childless doesn’t mean being clueless. It just means our path is different. And our hearts are still wide open.

With heart,

Lisa

Coach, Childless Warrior, and Believer in Redefining Family