Please Stop Saying “You Can Have My Kids” — It’s Not the Comfort You Think It Is

How many of us in the childless not by choice community have heard this?

“You can have my kids.”“Take mine for the weekend — you’ll change your mind!”“Trust me, you’re lucky.”

Usually, it’s said as a joke. A throwaway comment meant to lighten the mood or show some sort of understanding. But for someone who has experienced the grief, trauma, and heartbreak of infertility or pregnancy loss, these kinds of comments cut deep — even if we don’t show it.

I know most people don’t mean to be hurtful. I truly do. But that doesn’t make it any less invalidating, insensitive, and sometimes downright painful.

💔 When Support Becomes a Joke

When someone opens up about not having children — whether by circumstance, fertility struggles, or life not unfolding as planned — they’re likely sharing something incredibly vulnerable.

Responding with a joke, even a lighthearted one, sends the message that their experience isn’t serious… or worse, that their pain is something to be laughed off.

If you’ve never endured fertility treatments, miscarriage, medical trauma, or made the heartbreaking decision to stop trying, you may not realize what those “funny” comments land like. But I can tell you from experience: they sting. Even when I’ve smiled politely and changed the subject, the ache lingers.

🚫 Giving Someone Your Kids Isn’t a Solution

Let’s be clear: joking that someone “can have your kids” when they’ve been unable to have their own isn't comforting — it’s a reminder of everything they’ve lost or never had the chance to experience. It’s a suggestion of something they desperately wanted but couldn't achieve, served with a dose of sarcasm or humor that makes it feel even more out of reach.

It’s not a solution. It’s not a comfort. And no, it’s not really an option.

🤝 So What Can You Do Instead?

Being there for someone who is childless not by choice doesn’t mean you have to fix it — you can’t. But you can show support in a way that honors their story.

Here are some ways to offer real support:

• Validate their experience: “I can only imagine how hard this is.”

• Ask permission before diving into personal questions: “Is it okay if I ask about this?”

• Respect boundaries if they don’t want to talk.

• Be honest if you can’t relate: “I haven’t experienced this myself, but I care and I’m here to listen.”

  
  

And most importantly: don’t make light of it. If you don’t know what to say, just say that. Your honesty is far more comforting than a misplaced joke.

I share this not to call anyone out — but to call in a little more awareness and compassion.

If you're someone who has said this before, please don’t feel ashamed. Just reflect, learn, and try a different approach next time.

And if you're someone who has heard this before — I see you. You’re not alone. Your pain is real, your experience is valid, and your story deserves to be met with respect, not punchlines.

💛— Lisa

Family Redefined with Lisa